1. Marco is lifer. This is the chef who probably has a Marco Pierre White tattoo on his/her forearm and regularly quotes from White Heat. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I am myself, a regular user of a quote from the Lord and Master MPW!

2. Can’t cook, won’t cook: How the hell is this person a chef? They must be Head chef’s best mate/lover or a family connection. We’ve all worked with a chef like this. Never seems to get found out. Am I the only one seeing this? The flip side to this, is being a chef, in a kitchen you feel is way out of your league and you are praying not to get busted. Keep your head down and pretend you know how to use a that Centrifuge machine thingy.... “I’m a chef, not a lab technician”.

3. Name Dropper: Loves to name drop. Slides in to most conversations with how they worked with Gordon, Heston or Angela. Yes mate, you told me that already! It’s nice to be proud of your previous employers achievements, lets see what YOU can do!

4. Pastry: The corner of the kitchen where the dark arts are performed. Never make eye contact with an expert pastry chef. They will steal you soul and turn you into an exceptional Bavarois.

5. Young gun: All ideas and enthusiasm. Still in their first months of full time employment. No relationship or family concerns. Says yes to all the extra shifts without fuss. The older, more experienced chefs take great pleasure in watching stitching coming undone in this newbie! Slowly becoming bitter and the realisation of “this is my life now” taking grip of their passion. This is the point where they must be nurtured and shown pacing strategies to avoid burn out. Too many are left to fend for themselves and leave the industry in the first few years. Sad but true.

6. Hipster: All too cliché now. Sleeve tattoo, too much hair product, facial hair (men), Vintage bandanna (women), Expensive denim or leather apron. One, single, custom made knife, used for everything. Ironic Crocs. Do I need to go on? Come on, tell me I’m wrong? 🤣


https://www.thestaffcanteen.com/Blog/coolest-chef-tattoos-as-voted-for-by-you

​7. Blogger: A real disdain for the industry with delusions of self worth. Always looking for ideas for next post. Tries to be funny, but usually spirals into a depressing rant about hours, pay or lack of social life. When they have nothing real to say, they knock out a top 10/top 16 style post….wait what?
The grumpy blogger

8. Old school: “Get the fuck out of my kitchen with those tweezer things!” and “That boil in the bag nonsense can go fuck itself!” These chefs struggle to embrace momentum in the industry. They believe new ideas and cooking methods are just fads and hipster bullcrap! Don’t ask them to write a vegan menu either. Mushroom risotto anyone?


9. Book Club Chef: Owns and studies every cook book which comes out. The even claim to own a copy of the El Bulli books which were like £200 each. With their library and knowledge, they are the greatest chef on the planet. In reality…not so much.

10. Jedi master: The chef who is brilliant (a solid 9/10) at everything. Has a gnarled up little black book of recipes in their back pocket. Totally understated knife set, carried in a grease stained tote bag. The set of blades actually contains a few original carbon steel Sabatiers, with a whetstone and a copy of La repertoire. No one knows anything about this chef outside of the kitchen.
Still got your copy?

11. Sexecutive Chef: The chef who can’t wait to tell you the details of their most recent sexual exploits. Often exaggerated, mostly fabricated. Just let them chat their shit as long as they are ready for service.

12. The Machine: Usually found in the veg prep room, ripping through a sack of shallots. Will only cook from a recipe. Will follow the recipe to the letter. Creativity is for “others”.

13. Zombie Chef: Looks dead. Should be dead. Needs a holiday ALL YEAR. This chef could be a subcategory to most of the others on this list.

14. Chatter box: “Did you watch Masterchef/Great British Menu/chefs Table? Did you see what *Insert chef* did on Instagram/Chefplus? Did you read Knife of Brian’s latest blog on The Staff Canteen? He’s brilliant, I love him!” The chef who seems to have too much spare time on their hands and a major case of F.O.M.O. (Fear Of Missing Out) This is usually quite tolerable right up to the point where they start talking about X factor or Strictly Come Dancing.

15. Wannabe Influencer: Ambition is great. But calm down. Buying Instagram followers and YouTube subscribers may get you social media fame. But it’s the food you actually put in peoples stomachs which will be remembered. There are only so many variations of Avocado on toast which I can look at.

16. Fatally attractive: Totally unrecognisable outside of the kitchen. He or she moves under the radar a work. Just a colleague. You’ve never really looked at them in any other way apart from as “chef”. Then, one day , you see them in their “out-out” clothes and shit changes. No chef hat hair. No neutral body shaping whites. This god(dess) walked among us and we never knew. The term Scrubs Up Well was definitely meant for this chef.

To be continued by you…..

Please take this post in the manner which it is meant. This is just for shits n giggles. Feel free to add your own “chef types”. Lets see if we can fill a kitchen. Is there anything you’s add to these? Which one is you? Slide into my DMs.

Peace out,
​
Brian

Top 10 Fictional Chefs:
​
This month I thought we’d have a little fun. I thought I’d give you a run down of my Top Ten fictional chefs. The results are based on minutes and minutes of research while flicking through my phone during a quiet spell on a Monday lunch service.
Get in touch if you feel I’ve missed someone in this contest which is set to rival the “world’s 50 Best Restaurants” in prestige and accolade.

10. Chef Monica Gellar. I’ve only added her so I can rant about her really. The chef who’s never at work. Surely a more accurate representation of a New York City chef would have been for her to have just not been there. Now, I’m no oracle of knowledge when it comes to the hit show “Friends” but I don’t remember Chandler ever saying “….I’ll find out when Monica is off and get back to you guys. You know how it is!”

9. Sherman “Preacher” Dudley AKA LL Cool Jay in the film Deep Blue Sea. Now this chef had his shit together. You know he was getting paid top dollar working as a private chef for this Science Team. I don’t want to give away the ending for the few people who have never seen this classic, but I’m quite sure my boy LL hid from the killer shark, in his oven…. I may be remembering that wrong. Feel free to correct me.


8. Spongebob Squarepants. So, many have called him a one trick pony, but if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. Mr Squarepants had people queuing for miles for his Crabby patties. Very few chefs can claim to have this much interest for their own signature dishes. Others have tried to replicate the “secret formula” but often failed. His skills as a chef coupled with his cheery outlook on life, are the reason he makes this top ten.


7. Remy Rat. I’m only putting this vermin on the list because some of you who responded to me when I asked for your favourite fictional chef, said Ratatouille. Personally, I can’t stand the film. Rats don’t belong in kitchens. Full stop! Stupid concept. Crap movie. That being said. This is a chef review, not a movie review. Remy’s skills and natural ability are worthy of high praise. His passion and quest for excellence are to be admired. He definitely did the great Auguste Gusteau proud. As a side note, in researching this blog (lol), I was led to an article which referenced the late real chef Bernard Loiseau as inspiration for Gusteau in this movie. If you take anything away from this list. Go read more about Chef Loiseau.


6. Adam Jones from the movie “Burnt” Despite the helmetless, motorcycle ride scene through the streets of London to pick his mate up from prison, this film was pretty good. But like I said, this is not a movie review. This list is compiled based on my personal algorithm which is fuelled by Gin, tonic and ice cubes. So, as I found Adam to be a bit of a knob, He does not make it much higher than sixth position. His quest for Michelin stars showed his single-minded determination and little else by way of personality. Controversial?


5. Now Carl Casper on the other hand was a much more well-rounded character. The Film “Chef” Will make you hungry. The chef’s skills on show were more rustic and relatable to me. As well as the often-seen power struggle between owner and chef.


4. Chef- South Park. Chocolate. Salty. Balls. Legend. Need I say more?


3. Swedish Chef. This is probably my first memory of a chef to appear on the TV. Therefore, he makes the list for his influence. As this seems to be the case for a lot of chefs. Growing up and watching the TV in the 80s, was all about the Muppets. Several chefs have attributed this chef for inspiring them to be in the kitchen. Daniel Humm, Dominique Crenn, and Heston Blumenthal all told me this. This is 100% true. Because you’re reading this on the internet…. Or did I just dream that?


2. Gareth Blackstock A true ambassador and pioneer. Head chef of the Chateau Anglaise. “Chef” was BBC primetime viewing in the early 90’s. As a chef, he displayed class, talent and charm. He pulled no punches and ran the kitchen with authority and was totally respected by his brigade. This TV series ended too soon. Definitely due for resurrection.

1. Casey Ryback. Those who know, know. Chef Casey Ryback was formerly a Navy SEAL. He lost his Officer status by doing something bad which I can’t quite remember right now. But that’s really not important. Needless to say, if there is ever a chef you want to stand behind, this is the guy. He looked out for his team and makes a badass Bouillabaisse. If you’ve never watched Under Siege, then we can’t be friends. All Hail Steven Seagal. Sorry, I mean Chef Ryback!

Honourable mentions: Ian Beale (Eastenders) I don’t watch Eastenders.
Who have I missed? Who is in your top 10? Who should be number 1?
Also. Check out my Chef movie night suggestions blog here https://www.thestaffcanteen.com/Blog/chefs-movie-night-suggestions-blog-by-knifeofbrian Or on medium here https://medium.com/@brix2tri/chefs-movie-night-suggestions-26b585f6dd21
Cheers,
Brian P.

For this month’s post, I thought I’d list 11 Comments and Questions chefs love to hate.
I know these grind on me. Feel free to add…

1. Can I get discount?
Chefs are always asked for discount. No matter which level they work at in the kitchen, it seems to be assumed that they have senior powers to slice a cool 20% off their friend’s bills. This is not the case. Most chefs don’t even get discounts themselves. If they do happen to own the restaurant, bar or hotel and this friend wants to visit, then the friendly thing to do would be to support them by expecting to pay full price. Anything else is a bonus.

2. Have you ever worked with….?
Mostly NO! There are millions of chefs in the world. We don’t all know each other and we have not all worked for that 0.01% who are fortunate enough to have their own TV show on the BBC.

3. What’s your signature dish?
I really hate this one. Back in the 1990s, every chef on TV seemed to have a signature dish. This then filtered down into the mainstream consciousness. Resulting in it being the follow up question, once meeting new people and they realise they are in the presence of a chef. A signature dish is a luxury reserved for those in the world of competitive cookery. Or those with a book deal. Brian from The Greyhound Pub has no signature dish. He’s too busy for that shit!

4. What’s in this? (insert random dish in random restaurant)
Like I said before. We chefs do not all know each other and we are not all connected via WiFi or Bluetooth. So if we are fortunate enough to be invited out for a meal with a group of friends or family. We do not automatically know what is in the random establishments fish pie or beef curry. We can only guess as much as the next person.

5. I bet your partner eats well?
Well, I guess she might. I’m never really home….. This question is based on the assumption that I am home cooking for my beloved every day. She feasts on nothing but restaurant grade meals cooked by me. Sous Vide venison fillet with confit shallots, garnished with edible flowers n shit! Nah bruv! She’s been to Morrisons and picked up a salad, some falafels and a bottle of Echo Falls Rose. She’s happy. After 18 years of marriage, she knows how to take care of herself in the kitchen. A chef’s spouse knows the score. Which leads me to number 6…..

6. What do you want to do on your day off babe?
Nothing. I want to do nothing. I want to sleep in until midday. I’ll eat those kit-kats, the crisps and the Muller Rice you were saving for the kids packed lunches. Then I’ll watch ALL the catch up TV which I’ve missed all week…plus I may lose myself in an episode of Jeremy Kyle. My brain needs to operate in power-save mode for a while. Like Windows 95, the shut down procedure takes a while…. “It is now safe to shut down your chef"

7. Are you one of those shouty/angry chefs?
No. He’s called Gordon Ramsay. He’s made millions from his persona (and talent) It works for him and may have worked for that generation of chef. But we are now in the 21st century where being a bell end is frowned upon and not accepted. I’d be out of a job and unemployable if I adopted the angry chef model of leadership. This question is usually asked by someone who doesn’t actually know me that well. Those who have worked with me will know that I am “Chill AF” No drama in my kitchens. Channel the adrenalin into the work. Move on.

8. Oh, you’d hate to cook for me, I’m a really fussy eater.
Nothing to add. You are correct. I will not be cooking for you…. Ok. Fussy eaters who come in to eat my food are welcome. I like to feel I am adaptable. But I will swear, mutter under my breath and talk trash behind your back. But you do pay my wages. But yes. I will hate it.

9. I bet you’re really fussy when you eat out?
Any chef worth their salt will have realistic expectations when they eat out. A chef will never criticise a plate of food set down in front of them. Come on! It’s very rare if we actually eat from a plate, let alone have someone prepare us a meal. Quite literally Don’t bite the hand which feeds you!

10. I’ll pop in for a chat when you’re at work.
Can I come and see you while you’re at work?! Just because I work in a public house does not mean I am not working. Just because I’m the head chef, do not assume I have a platoon on minions hanging onto my apron strings, waiting to do my bidding. I don’t swan into the kitchen with a tasting spoon like the Man From Del Monte. I’m busting my arse to keep the trip advisor brigade happy. I always appreciate a hello. I really love a beer being sent to the kitchen. But please understand, I have a job to do. And if we do chat and I seem distracted…. Something is probably burning.

11. What’s good on the menu chef?
I can’t believe I nearly missed this one. I really can’t tell you what you want to eat. All the food is good, in my opinion. Me and my team have done our best to deliver the best product we can. We have produced a menu for you to choose from. Make a decision and stop bothering me….. But actually… maybe try the Salt Cod, broad bean and prawn risotto. I think it’s bloody lush! 😊

​I hope you’ve enjoyed my little list and taken it in the humour it’s meant. If you have any comments or questions you want to add, please drop me a line.